New York/LA can suck an egg

Ah, well. It doesn't look like I'll have a review for you this weekend, since only our privileged coastal brethren get the opening of The Darjeeling Limited and Lust Caution, respectively. For anyone in town who wants to know, Milwaukee gets Lust on October 12th, and Darjeeling on October 19th. So I'll probably post reviews that are way later than the mass of internet reviews out there much later, but if you read them it'll make me feel a lot better.

Anyway, I couldn't help but glance at the reviews for The Darjeeling Limited to see where the magic number on Rotten Tomatoes would fall this time- the verdict so far: 68%, but the "cream of the crop," which is to say the more respectable, accredited members of the critical population have it at 50%.

Whatever. Wes Anderson makes the same movie every time, and that's fine with me- for reference, see this Onion Article: "New Wes Anderson Film Features Deadpan Delivery, Meticulous Art Direction, Characters With Father Issues."

It's like escargot: some people like it, others don't. If you try it once and don't like it, good for you. If you try it five times and still don't like it, why are you still talking to me? I know it's a critic's job to honestly assess each film, and that a director's previous films should enter the equation somewhat, but honestly: Snakes on a Plane gets a free pass at 69% but The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou is mixed at 52%? I think even Wes Anderson at this point is only aiming for Wes Anderson fans.

That's why I'm here for you- I probably won't pay money to see something I'm not going to like, so I won't waste your time telling you had bad the new Farrelly Brothers movie is. And if you don't want to know how awesome The Darjeeling Limited was (in three weeks), it's not on you to read about it, either.

Five High School Movies that know What It Was Like

Another list of things? Have I really reached that point of creative exhaustion so soon?

In my defense, the nonstop listmakers at Moviefone and Entertainment Weekly are presumably full time, paid professionals, and the content there is equally inane at times.

Onto today's inane list of things. I'm going to start with my hatred for The Breakfast Club. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not a bad film. It's even pretty great at times. But let's get one thing straight- in high school, I was a nerd. Not a Revenge of the Nerds pocket-protector nerd (although I was on the Chess Team and the Math Team), but just a normal, relatively smart kid that had all male friends and didn't get invited to parties. As such, unless it's an over the top depiction of glasses-wearing, high-socked social introverts, I usually identify with nerdy characters in movies- Anthony Michael Hall in The Breakfast Club is quiet, shy, and the smartest guy in most rooms- pretty much me for the first two years of high school.

And of course, he ends up alone, and doing everyone else's work for them. Thanks John Hughes, thanks. Hey, for your next trick, why don't you write a movie where Matthew Broderick manipulates his nerdy sidekick into stealing his father's car, convinces him to leave it with two federal convict-looking parking lot attendants, and then comes up with the idiot idea to leave it propped up on a cinderblock in reverse, resulting in the wreckage of his nerdy friend's house? And just to rub it in the face of nerds everywhere, make sure that Matthew Broderick and a coked-out Charlie Sheen get some action, while the nerdy guy just gets to work on his daddy issues. In fact John Hughes, if you could just make sure that your only pro-nerd vehicle, Weird Science, is pretty much your crappiest film (that anyone remembers), then your cinematic nerd-bashing will be complete.

So by now you might've guessed that all of the "classic" high school eighties movies don't really speak to me. I guess I like Fast Times at Ridgemont High well and all, but really it's more of a pop culture reference and "that movie Sean Penn made when he had a sense of humor" than a film to me, personally. Probably because I graduated high school in 2002.

So these are the five movies that speak to me about high school. My girlfriend would absolutely have The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, et al. on her list somewhere, as do many other listmakers extraordinaire off in the vagaries of this glorious series of tubes we all share together.

5. Angus (imdb)

This is the only triumph against bullies movie that I ever really identified with, mostly because of a great soundtrack and an excellent cast that includes Kathy Bates and a surprisingly endearing George C. Scott (who I imagine would have been terrifying to actually have as a grandfather).

Also, if you also had a sister who stole the remote from you to watch "Dawson's Creek" every week, you'd also have enjoyed seeing James Van Der Beek get his nose broken about five times over the course of this film. Good times. Apparently this isn't even available on DVD yet, which is a shame.

4. Pump Up the Volume (imdb)

I know I said all the classic teen movies from over fifteen years ago aren't my thing, but seeing as you can find this for $3.99 in the bin at Wal-Mart, I don't think it ever reached classic status. For me, when I finally saw this, it reminded me of something very specific from my early high school years:

In 1998 my family moved to Wisconsin before I started ninth grade, and we had AOL on our home computer around the time that instant messaging became really popular, or at least started to. So I found myself able to express something like a personality online, talking to strangers, and even girls in my school with a little bit of confidence. But in person, I found myself with nothing to say without the shield of a keyboard in front of me.

Christian Slater's teenage rebel starts a pirate VHF radio station in this 1990 film, and disrupts the social balance of his high school, and community at large, with controversial views and on-air antics. But when a girl fan figures out his identity and seeks him out, he hardly even knows how to look at her, let alone interact.

It gets pretty crazy near the end, but it always reminds me of the way Web 1.0 brought shy wannabes like me into contact with the world, through a sheen of comforting technology- something that seems ever the more specific in retrospect, especially now that every fourteen-year-old with half an hour of free time has about a million different networking sites that do all the work for them.

3. Election (imdb)

Part of me would like to think that this is a sequel to the aforementioned Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and that Matthew Broderick's character is paying the price for his manipulative, careless high school ways. But really he's just a former high-school nerd himself, forced to put up with the same variety of over-achievers and dumb jocks like he used to. (Also, if you do watch these two movies back to back, Broderick's wife in this movie (Molly Hagan) looks uncomfortably like his sister in the previous one (Jennifer Grey))

But this is a great film, if only for its portrayal of relatively under-portrayed, but still recognizable high school types. Chris Klein plays a dumb, but surprisingly thoughtful and sincere jock, Jessica Campbell plays a sexually confused female outcast, and of course Reese Witherspoon is the most memorable as the Type-A, over-eager class president we all voted for but hated behind her back.

As Broderick's teacher has his life wrecked by a series of mishaps and bad decisions, and everything continues to work out fine for Witherspoon's conscienceless rung-climber, we all identify with the sense of frustration we felt in high school that continues for the rest of our lives- sometimes, like at the very end of this movie, there are people that just make us want to throw whatever we have in our hands at them, for reasons that we can't really explain.

2. Donnie Darko (imdb)

This is partly because this movie nails all the incidental parts of high school- the meaningless health class activities, the motivational business-meeting-type assemblies, the fact that some teachers are awesome and some teachers are insane- while making up its own supernatural mythos of time travel (an obsession of mine), dead people in bunny costumes, and plane engines.

As a side note, this is the first time that a theatrical cut has been so far, far superior to the follow up "Director's cut" version (which was actually released in theaters, to cash in on the film's growing cult status). And judging by the pushed-back release dates and rumors of poor test screenings surrounding director Richard Kelly's next effort, Southland Tales, it seems like he might actually need a studio head somewhere to reign him in.

1. Brick (imdb)

I took a class on pop culture, and for my final grade I had to give a presentation. I chose to claim that this genre experiment by director Ryan Johnson, fusing hard-noir dialogue and plot with a modern day high school setting, made this movie feel like high school more than anything else.

Near the end of my high school experience, I somehow managed to date a couple of girls, and when those relationships ended (I got dumped), it certainly felt worse than, in retrospect, it actually was. And there are times even just maintaining friends and navigating the school day is hard enough. So the introduction of drug dealers, murder, brutal beatings and other high stakes into the world of high school seemed like a natural fit- sometimes high school was like a brutal world of mystery and shadow, where everything word you said was important, and you never knew what decisions would come back to haunt you.

A lot of people, and a lot of movies, compare high school to a light-comedy soap opera, or some sort of bizarre comedy of errors, but at the time we knew: it was a matter of life and death.

Trailer Report: In the Valley of Elah, Into the Wild, Lust, Caution, Margot at the Wedding

These are the trailers I saw in front of Eastern Promises. I went to Milwaukee's premiere art-house theater, and one of the ten best in the country, so I got four artsy trailers this time.

In the Valley of Elah

Hey, this looks like the best movie of the year that I couldn't be less motivated to see. The situation in Iraq is depressing enough with seeing films about it all the time. Maybe if I keep hearing good things about Tommy Lee Jones' performance I'll make it this one.

But even though Paul Haggis is pretty humble about the whole Crash debacle in this interview, I'm still nonplussed on him in general. Hey everybody, Paul Haggis wants you to know that not only is racism bad, so is the war in Iraq! Way to go out on a limb there, buddy.

Also, they need to include a bit of dialogue in this trailer that explains the title, because I had too see this about eighteen different times this summer before I remembered what this movie was called.

Into the Wild

Spoiler Alert! If you've read the book, you know that this guy dies. The description on the back of the book says he dies. This Wikipedia entry says he dies. The book starts with his body being found, and works backwards from there. So why does the trailer for the movie not mention that he dies? We're heading for a The Perfect Storm style backlash on this one.

Also, Emile Hirsch looks like he's twelve, even with a beard.

Lust, Caution

Ang Lee? Tony Leung? Sign me up already.

Also, I love the trend of foreign film trailers with no dialogue in them. It's as if they want to trick all the douchebags whose first thought is "Subtitles? Queer!" into going. Because frankly, I don't want those people sitting next to me on October 12th (when this comes to Beer-town).

Margot at the Wedding

I really liked The Squid and the Whale, and I have Kicking and Screaming on my Netflix. So I was planning on seeing this either way, especially given Noah Baumbach's involvement with Wes Anderson.

And the trailer looks pretty good- I wasn't sure if Nicole Kidman's usually cool demeanor and Baumbach's cynicism were a good match, but color me intrigued. Also, it looks like Jack Black can act a little bit. Go figure.

Seeing Movies With Other People

So I see a lot of movies. Obviously. But I'm not a professional critic, so I don't get a press pass. This means I see a lot of movies on my own time, which in turn means I see them with other people- usually with my girlfriend, but often with other friends and so forth.

And usually, because I'm a nerd, I know way more about the film I'm going to see than my companion. Now, I've fortunately been very lucky to find my girlfriend Nicole, who shares a similar taste for film and maintains an open mind.

But no matter who I'm with, every time I find myself anxiously glancing sidelong at them, wondering if they find the same jokes funny, or find the same moments exciting or sad.

Does anyone else get this feeling? It almost feels as if I'm showing them something I'm responsible for, like handing them a poem I wrote about something personal.*

Movies are one of the great equalizers of popular culture. They open conversations, start arguments, bring people together on social networking websites, and give strangers a general idea of your taste. Dropping movie quotes into your speech can be both clever and annoying, but depending on the movie it tells people something about you.

So obviously I think movies are important. I know in my mind that it doesn't matter a terribly great deal if the person next to me enjoys a movie as much as I did, or didn't, but when the house lights go down those questions gnaw at my mind all the same.

Again, with Nicole I'm lucky. When we saw 3:10 to Yuma, we nearly high-fived after a particularly cool dynamite explosion. But when we saw Eastern Promises on Sunday, there was a part of my brain that wanted her to be sure that I don't personally condone stabbing someone in the eye on the floor of a Turkish bathhouse.

Does anyone else out there think these things, or am I just crazy?

* I don't write poetry. Just wanted to make that clear.

What makes a Blockbuster?

The term 'blockbuster' means several things, but usually it means a financially successful film.

Some say this is a reference to long lines that used to gather for popular stage productions, lines inherited by the event films of the eighties and beyond. Others think it was inherited from a type of bomb capable of leveling an entire city block (a paltry measure of destruction in this day and age).

But regardless of the etymology, the classification of films as blockbusters was for many years very simple: if it grossed $100 million in the U.S., it was a blockbuster. If it didn't, it wasn't. But what do people mean when they use the term these days, thirty years after the first of the blockbusters hit the screen?

As it was recently pointed out to me, inflation renders past box-office figures essentially moot, and so it does to that $100 million benchmark as well. But finding an appropriate new one is difficult: there are movies that gross $200 million, but cost $200 million (like Superman Returns), and even a couple (reported) $300/$300 million club members (Spiderman 3, Pirates 3). So the rapidly inflating movie budgets (and public interest in them) is a factor.

This is not to mention the tracking of foreign grosses clouding the picture. There are plenty of films that disappoint in the States, only to break the bank overseas: Troy, for example, mostly flopped here ($133 m), but amassed nearly $500 million overall.

And then there's movies that don't break any records, but have a phenomenal budget to earnings ratio. The most famous example of this is the Blair Witch Project with $248 million on a $60 thousand dollar budget, but this summer's Knocked Up ($200 million on a $30 mill budget) and Superbad ($119 m on $20 m) both broke $100 million on relatively cheap expenses.

So I think, for movie nerds like me at least, when we say 'blockbuster' what we're really getting at is profit, and we need a benchmark for the 'blockbuster' that keeps that in mind.

I propose that to be referred to as a blockbuster, your film needs to make $100 million or more over its budget domestically, with the addendum that a $200 million worldwide profit also qualifies. This takes care of obvious hits on reasonable budgets (like Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which cost $150 m and made $289 in the US alone), and our more problematic features with escalating costs (like Batman Begins, which barely outdid its $150 m budget here, but made $371 m worldwide).

A further sub-clause for films smaller in scope entails that if you gross five times your budget, it gives your film tentative blockbuster status, or at least makes it a "box office hit."

Glad we got this settled. These are the sorts of things that keep me up at night.

Eastern Promises Review

Now, I haven't seen all of David Cronenberg's films, but I've seen enough (The Fly, Dead Ringers, Spider, Scanners) to go into them expecting an eventual descent into madness and/or grotesquery.

So when I reached the point in both his new film, Eastern Promises, and his last one, A History of Violence, when it becomes clear that the plot is wrapping up without anyone's head exploding, it feels abrupt. They're both excellent movies, of course, but the Cronenberg that makes taught, gritty thrillers and not venereal psychedelic freak-outs will take some getting used to.

This film begins with a mystery: an unidentified, pregnant Russian teenager is rushed into Naomi Watts’ maternity ward hemorrhaging blood, and dies as they manage to save her baby. Watts takes a diary from her purse, and the search for the baby’s family ultimately leads her into a world of shadowy Russian gangsters and forced prostitution.

Viggo Mortensen re-teams with Cronenberg to play the most calm, collected, and efficient of said Russian gangsters, bucking for position against Vincent Cassel’s bipolar psycho. Ultimately we start to suspect he hides a tender heart behind a ruthless visage.

Eastern Promises never quite raises the stakes any higher than the intrigue of the beginning, and the plot spends much of its time building toward two plot twists that aren’t terribly difficult to see coming. But the exploration of the real-life Russian immigrant underworld, the agents of oppressed criminality now operating in free world, is compelling viewing enough, if only for Mortensen’s trademark intensity and the complex system of prison tattoos he sports. The film culminates in one of the rawest (and nakedest) fight scenes in recent memory.

The diary of the dead girl keeps recurring in the film as a seemingly poignant voice over, echoing the sympathy that doe-eyed Audrey Tatou wins in screenwriter Steven Kinght’s Dirty Pretty Things, a similar grim tale of immigrants in London’s underbelly. But the sentimentality of the hopeful Russian immigrant girl (and inspiration, I assume, for the title “Eastern Promises”) doesn’t particularly mesh with the hard-nosed ins and outs of the movie itself, and the girl’s voice is mostly a distracting ghost.

But that’s the only off note in a movie with a lot to like, especially the performances: Mortensen can act by only moving his eyebrows, Watts is solid as usual, and nobody plays crazy like Vincent Cassel.

And of course there’s some brutal gangworld knifework, spilling plenty of Cronenberg’s trademark bright-red blood. Definitely not a film for the weak of heart.

Even if nobody’s head explodes.
When to See It: Before It Leaves Theaters

Whither Dane Cook?

Dane Cook. Even just seeing his name in print is annoying now.

I used to be a big fan. My friend Kyle burned me “Harmful If Swallowed,” Cook’s first album, a couple years ago and I was suitably impressed. Then the phenomenon that was his “Retaliation” album swept me up- I friended Dane Cook on Myspace, I bought “Retaliation” in a store, and I actually watched Jay Leno (ugh) to catch a Dane Cook appearance.

But then, his movie career happened.

Dane Cook’s mass appeal is mostly due to the fact that he’s onstage saying ridiculous things, and putting on a pretty ridiculous, overexcited frat boy persona, but you always get the feeling that he’s in on it- it’s funny because he’s only joking. Like when the wiseasses from my generation use old slang like "that's the cat's pajamas!" ironically. It wouldn't be funny if we really meant it.

One of the funniest bits from “Retalition” is a joke where Cook says that to spice up a party, you should defecate on the coats in the bedroom, if only for the moment when someone finally notices and comes in to say “Someone sh*t on the coats!” But then not only did Cook’s “Tourgasm” tv series identify him as the kind of person who actually does sh*t on random things, he started to choose movie roles that also appealed to the most lowbrow, unimaginative senses of humor, without acknowledging how ridiculous they are, like his stage act does.

So to clarify the difference here, there’s raunchiness with real intelligence behind it (think Apatow movies), and then there’s just plain stupidity. Dane Cook became famous for the former, and now it just seems like he’s cashing in his movie career for the latter.

And I’m sorry, but he’s really had no better offers? Here’s Cook’s post-“Retaliation” film career: one good, crazy-Belushi-type-role for him (Waiting), one film directed by someone who wrote Sorority Boys that co-starred Jessica Simpson (Employee of the Month), a movie with Kevin Costner in it (Mr. Brooks)- never a good idea, and Good Luck Chuck, which is helmed by Brett Ratner protégé Mark Helfrich. Yeah, that’s right. I used the phrase “Brett Rattner protégé.” That’s never a good sign.

His next movie is Dan in Real Life, which costars Steve Carell is directed by someone who’s actually reputable, Peter Hedges of Pieces of April fame. So I’m definitely waiting for Rotten Tomatoes on that one with a glimmer of hope (though the Trailer Voice Guy freaking kills me in this trailer for it). And the good news for Dane Cook is that studio executives don’t seem to realize how sick people are of him, so he’ll get plenty of more chances before he fades into obscurity.

In fact, imdb.com lists him as the lead in the new Howard Deutch movie! Who’s Howard Deutch, you ask? He’s only the director of Grumpier Old Men, The Odd Couple II, and The Whole Ten Yards! So look forward to the annoying tv spots for that crappy Dane Cook movie next year.

Fall Movie Preview

Apologies for the hiatus in posting- my girlfriend’s little brother was killed in a car wreck. Yeah. It makes movies seem less important, obviously, but then again we did go see Shoot ‘Em Up to distract ourselves. And it worked.

So here are the movies this fall that I’m most excited about, one per month:

September: Eastern Promises

This one will have a review soon. Because what’s not to like? It has Aragorn (though if I ever met Viggo Mortensen I would say “I loved you in G. I. Jane!” just for the awkwardness), Naomi Watts, David Cronenberg, the guy that wrote Dirty Pretty Things, and Vincent Cassel.

The runner up for September is probably The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand, or whatever it’s called, now that’s it’s getting good reviews (or at least Terrence Mallick comparisons, which is enough for me). But that’s assuming that it actually comes to Milwaukee before September’s over.

October: The Darjeeling Limited

If you don’t like Wes Anderson movies, at this point that’s mostly your problem. For me, Bottle Rocket was one of the first movies I watched over and over and went to see at midnight (also it holds a special place in my heart because I used to watch it with my mom on the IFC channel), and the scene at the end of The Life Aquatic (Spolier Alert) when Steve sees the Jaguar Shark and wonders aloud “Do you think he remembers me?” gets me teary-eyed every time. I even wrote a college paper about The Life Aquatic. I got an A on it.

So of course I’m stoked for this movie. But I guess Wes Anderson is a taste that is for some reason difficult for other people (and critics) to acquire.

October’s runner up is probably Michael Clayton, because Clooney’s dependable enough. We Own the Night is out pending critical reception, and regarding Things We Lost in the Fire I’m torn between my hatred for Halle Berry (see X-Men 3: The Last Stand), and my respect for director Susanne Bier’s previous film, After the Wedding.

November: American Gangster

Come on, people. Watch the trailer. Everyone is stoked for this movie. Even Jay-Z was inspired. I’d also like to point out the expert use of music in both this trailer and The Darjeeling Limited’s trailer, above. Really makes all the difference.

November’s runner up is a tie, as my love for both the Coen brothers and Neil Gaiman is enriched by No Country For Old Men and Beowulf, respectively.

December: The Golden Compass

This is pretty much by default. I mean, I was gonna try and look cool and say I was really excited about Francis Ford Coppola’s new film Youth Without Youth until I realized I don’t really give a crap about Apocalypse Now or even (gasp!) the Godfather films. And if I ever own a Francis Ford Coppola film, it’ll probably be to get my girlfriend Peggy Sue Got Married.

But I like fantasy epics, and Daniel Craig, so I’m in line for this one. For a runner up, I’ll go with Clooney again, as his third directorial feature, Leatherheads, comes out. I’m not terribly sold on the premise, or old-timey football in general, but I really liked The Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Good Night and Good Luck, so I’m optimistic.

Trailer Report: The Kingdom, Hitman, Harold and Kumar 2

Hey, what did I do immediately after posting "Why I haven't seen Shoot 'Em Up yet"? Saw Shoot 'Em Up, of course. It was pretty hilariously ridiculous, it turns out. A review is kinda passe at this point, though, since it's been two weeks.

Instead, here are the trailers we saw in front of it:

The Kingdom


Remember, take your vacation in Saudi Arabia- where all cars have the potential to explode!

Uh, yeah. First of all, Trailer Voice Guy is annoying enough when he's just talking. It's even worse when he's reading things to me (mainly because I know how to read!). Also, I'm sure Saudi Arabia loves us for this one (Saudis: They kill women and children!). I love the carefully juxtaposed images of Muslims praying with random cars exploding- not xenophobic at all. Nope, not at all.

Hitman


This movie featuring no treble whatsoever! I'm not trying to knock Timothy Olyphant here, but seriously- did Vin Diesel have a scheduling conflict? Or is he all like "I'm a serious actor now, I was in a Sidney Lumet movie!" Because nobody saw Find Me Guilty. I checked.

Harold and Kumar 2

It's like they weren't sure what type of movie Shoot 'Em Up was, so they stuck two action movie trailers, and a couple of comedies: we got this short teaser and the trailer for Mr. Woodcock, which I'm not even going to take the trouble to embed. Because this blog is better than that.

As for this HK2, I liked the original, but you can only get so much "foreign people look different" humor on credit- eventually you have to earn that sort of thing.

Why I haven’t seen Shoot ‘Em Up yet

Here’s a thought that occurred to me the other day. Ultra-violence in mainstream films is over. Done. I even have an extended, not-really-apt-at-all analogy to prove it.

Let’s say, for example, that we wanted to compare making crazy, bloody, knowing self parody action movies is to black comedians making jokes about how white people are different than black people. I know, I know- you’re surprised you didn’t think of this comparison on your own.

This makes Richard Pryor akin to Quentin Tarantino, in that they both got really famous for doing it first, with the breakthrough “That Nigger’s Crazy” album and Reservior Dogs, respectively.

Naturally each art form also has it’s more financially successful, not quite as good front runner in Eddie Murphy and Robert Rodriguez.

And recently, both have had daring, stylistic newcomers who made unprecedented sorts of money by doing something new and fresh: Dave Chappelle and Zack Snyder, the director of 300.

But then, both things reached the point where it’s just getting annoying, which iswhy contemplating seeing Shoot ‘Em Up is like flipping by comedy Central and seeing Eddie Griffin doing his pedestrian, tired white people versus black people shtick. Or maybe like any of the Wayans brothers (There you go- Shoot 'Em Up is the equivalent of White Chicks! My genius remains unparalleled!). It’s over, it’s done. We’ve had enough.

It’s even to the point where the former greats of both particular spheres put out nothing but flops, as evidenced both by Eddie Murphy’s recently losing streak (except for Norbit. Sigh.), and Tarantino and Rodriguez’s flailing Grindhouse. We’ve had enough.

I probably spent way too much time trying to make this comparison work. Hey, it’s Saturday. So I just can’t muster up the energy to go see Shoot ‘Em Up, because who cares at this point. It's funny how the interest in violence can wane over six months, but honestly: according to Entertainment Weekly, 18,712 people died in a movie this summer. So all those gunshots are pretty passe for me at this point, Clive Owen or no Clive Owen.

Trailer Report: The Brave One, Good Luck Chuck

When I saw 3:10 to Yuma on Sunday night, it was at a small theatre on Milwaukee's north side, so I only got two trailers: The Brave One and Good Luck Chuck.

The basic description of The Brave One didn't really intrigue me, much like the similarly plotted Death Sentence, out in August. And the tv spots like this one didn't really move me to see it either, since they really just sort of paint it as a thriller.

But the movie's official trailer makes it look pretty good. Check it out:


See? This trailer is perfect- no Trailer Voice Guy, a clear idea of the story, a perfect piece of music, and an expertly done Things Spiraling Out of Control montage.

Compare that to the second version of the trailer, which has no introspective voice over from Jodie Foster, and much different, more police chase movie music, and doesn't peak at the same "I want my dog back!" moment:



It's funny how these seem like two different films with nearly the same footage.

As for Good Luck Chuck, I don't think any trailer could make me want to see it at this point, so don't worry. I just think it's funny that they initially had a trailer that explained the premise:



But that must not have tested all that well, because the trailer I saw was just Jessica Alba doing pratfalls:



They had a meeting and were like "Jesus Christ! This whole sleeping with the guy to meet the right guy next idea is just confusing people! But every body likes to see pretty people getting hurt..."

Also the Trailer Voice Guy makes it sounds like the title is actually "Good Luck, Chuck."

3:10 To Yuma Review

With all the goodwill that Christian Bale has built up among discerning movie-goers between Batman Begins, The Prestige, and generally having an anti-Affleckian ability to choose good scripts, it’s easy to root for him in 3:10 to Yuma as soon as he appears onscreen.

His sunken-eyed, world weary portrayal of a Civil War veteran is already so emotionally bare that we don’t even need his wet-blanket wife (Gretchen Mol) or his annoying puissant son (Logan Lerman) to get us on his side, and this is even before the local railroad company burns down his barn to drive his family off their small plot of land.

And just in case your heart is made of stone, he’s got a wooden leg from the war, too.

Russell Crowe, however, is immediately likeable as a psychotic outlaw. He sketches things, he woos the ladies, he cracks jokes, and he’s not quite as nuts as his uber-psycho right hand man (Ben Foster), so we warm up to him quickly as well.

So when Bale joins the posse bringing Crowe to justice, justice being a train to Yuma prison, it’s hard to not to cheer as the other members begin to get knocked off along the way, victims of Crowe’s ruthlessness or troublesome Apaches, and the film begins to focus more on the interplay between the two.

Don’t get me wrong- all the supporting turns in this movie are good, especially Foster and a very grizzly Peter Fonda. It even has one of my favorite things in the world- the unexpected appearance of Alan Tudyk! (Seriously, I had no idea. Even Luke Wilson shows up for about two minutes. Surprisingly convincing as a yokel, too). But it’s Bale’s browbeaten determination and Crowe’s casual malevolence that eventually get your heart to jump with every gunshot in a finale that has hundreds of them.

The journey to bring Crowe to justice soon becomes Saving Private Ryan-like, in that you question the logic of a near-suicidal mission just on account of one man (why not just shoot him, and be done with it?) But it becomes quickly clear, as other characters find ample reason to turn back, that it’s about one man just trying to get something right for a goddamn change.

Bale is amazing, and he holds the movie together where it could falter. Before he leaves, in an impassioned speech to his wife, he drops lines a lot like “I’ve been running for three years, on one leg, and I’m tired of it.” It’s a speech that could have been awful and schmaltzy in a lesser actor’s hands, but he absolutely sells it.

Crowe is excellent, of course, but takes the background to Bale despite first billing, at least for me. Ultimately his character’s struggle is to balance his gradually growing respect for this tired, put upon rancher trying to bring him in against his own self interest.

When to See it: As Soon As Humanly Possible*

*Note: In lieu of things like stars, thumbs, grades, whatever, I’m going with a level of When to see it. The different levels:

As Soon As Humanly Possible
Before It Leaves Theatres
If You Get Around To It
On DVD
On Spike TV
When Hell Freezes Over

Top Ten Non-Franchises

As I mentioned, my friend Dave and I discuss box office grosses a lot (he predicts The Brave One in first with $16-19 Million, by the way). Yesterday we pondered an interesting trivia question:

What are the top ten original movies of all time?

That is to say, films with no sequels, prequels, spinoffs, or anything. After further thought, I decided that future sequels also disqualify a film (sorry Transformers), as well as direct-to-DVD sequels/etc. (no dice, Lion King!).

Seeing as the all time box office lists are peppered with numerous trilogies, and even films normally thought of as singular have knockoff sequels (Jaws III: The Revenge is a good example), we had a lot of trouble thinking of the whole list.

Boxofficemojo, of course, held the key. Here's the list. Grosses are worldwide.

10 (Actual Rank 40). Night At The Museum $573.4 million

It was amazing to me that I had to scroll down to number 40 to find the tenth highest member of this apparently exclusive club.

And to top it off, it's a hammy children's movie that I didn't even care to see. It's probably because Ben Stiller's career has been the cinematic equivalent of pancakes at this point, which in the words of the late great Mitch Hedberg are "all exciting at first, but by the end you're f*cking sick of 'em!"

9 (38). War of the Worlds $591.7 m

This is the Spielberg remake from last summer, not the campy Rod Taylor version. I wondered about remakes, but I figured they didn't represent the same production company or filmmaker willingly going back to the well for more cash- they just represent the collective creative exhaustion that causes everyone to remake everything these days.

8 (36). The Passion of the Christ $611.9 m

Meh. Didn't see it. But since when is it "The" Christ? Isn't that his last name?

7 (34). The Incredibles $631.4 m

6(30). The Sixth Sense $672.8 m

Will M. Night Shyamalan ever reach these lofty heights again? Will there be a Seventh Sense: He's Still Dead and Stuff? Or maybe this movie?

5(29). Forrest Gump $677.4 m

The DaVinci Code was going to be on here, but they're making a prequel to that. So here's your requisite Tom Hanks movie.

4(20). E. T. $792.7

Here's one everybody can get behind. But with the superfluous new Indiana Jones sequel, it may not be long before Spielberg loses it entirely. In the words of Zach Galifianakis: "I'm writing a screenplay. It's called Schindler's List 2: Let's Get This Party Started!"

3(18). Independence Day $817.0 m

2(15). Finding Nemo $871.4 m

A confession: I nearly cried when he found Nemo. Just thought you should know who you're dealing with.

1(1). Titanic $1,845.0 m

Saw this one coming. But who knows what the future may hold...

See you tomorrow, with my overdue review for 3:10 to Yuma.

Summer Movie Recap, Part III (8-1)

Part I / Part II / Part III

The best eight films I saw this summer, and the only ones I will probably buy. (maybe Superbad, too, just 'cause).

The "I Ate How Much Popcorn?" All-Stars (an Eddie Izzard reference)

8. Ratatouille (imdb) (official site)

This is probably a good time to mention that I'm an amateur standup comedian. When Pixar offended my entire way of life by promoting the continued existence of Larry the Cable Guy with Cars, I wasn't sure if I could ever forgive them for paying actual money to the racist, hackish, example of everything wrong with the comedy world today.

But then, in their very next film, they cast the hilarious, shining beacon of everything good in standup, Patton Oswalt, as a talking rat. How could I not support this? Plus, it's honestly my favorite CGI film to date.


7. Stardust (imdb) (off.)

If you knew how much I love everything that Neil Gaiman has ever touched, you wouldn't believe I could rank this only at number seven. My girlfriend would personally attest that each time I reread Sandman, American Gods, or Stardust, I'm probably a hair's breath away from driving the eight hours to Menomonee, Wisconsin (who would've guessed?), finding his house, and then camping outside until he agreed to sign my forehead with a Sharpie so I could get it tattooed over.

But alas, while I loved Matthew Vaughan's adaptation of Neil's (Yeah, I call him Neil as if I knew him personally. What of it?) illustrated novel, it could've been a little less Pirates of the Carribean inspired in its rush to a climatic, showy battle.

But I'll probably still be camping outside of Best Buy the night before this comes out on DVD. Does that make any sense?

6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (imdb) (off.)

Speaking of obsessions, while I know quite a few people who camp out for various Harry Potter related things, I would say I stay more at the level of "dedicated fan" than "fanatic" for the Harry Potter series.

But I did wait in line for a midnight showing of the newest film, and it was my favorite one so far. I could probably go on about why this is the only film I like better than its novular counterpart, but instead I will leave you with two words: Gary Oldman.

5. The Bourne Ultimatum (imdb) (off.)

Everyone is rightfully anointing this film as the champion of all the threequels out this summer (Spidey 3, Pirates 3, Ocean's 13, Rush Hour 3), but really we could've all predicted it before the season even began. Spiderman had nowhere to go but down after the universally approved second film, and The Bourne Supremacy was the only one of the second installments of those trilogies met with acclaim and not subject to tiresome overexposure.

The Single Handedly Saving The Romantic Comedy Jury Prize

4. Knocked Up (imdb) (off.)

So I'm running out of creative titles. But seriously, by building on the shoulder's of The 40-Year-Old Virgin, this comedy definitely breathed new life into funny movies as a whole.

Whether Hollywood immediately carries this trend way too far, however, is still up in the air. The Apatow-written Walk Hard Johnny Cash parody seems like an early warning sign.

The Contenders

3. Rescue Dawn (imdb) (off.)

Starring Christian Bale, the Greatest Actor of His Generation. Every single thing he's done in the last five years (post-Equilibrium, that is) has been incredible, so much so in fact, that I may be on the verge of finally renting Harsh Times even though Eva Longoria makes me vomit a little inside my mouth.

A quiet, nuanced tale of survival, like a much more badass Adrien Brody in The Pianist, Bale puts in his name for a long overdue Oscar nomination. He might have some competition from himself, as we'll see later in my 3:10 to Yuma thoughts.

2. Once (imdb) (off.)

The music of this film really speaks for itself.

Seriously. It's 110 and 3 on Rotten Tomatoes. Go see it.

Right now.

And finally....

The Winner

1. Away From Her (imdb) (off.)

This is a surprise to me as well. I remember, long ago, reading that Sarah Polley was going to direct a film and thinking, "Huh. Good for her."

Then I was blown away by the perfect use of Ray LaMontagne's "Be Here Now" in this mesmerizing trailer. So I was officially excited about the film, now, against all odds. I wouldn't have expected a film about the elderly dealing with Alzheimer's disease to be my favorite film of the summer.

Ironically, the film is a beautiful, dreamy Canadian snow-scape, released in early May. But it's an amazing film. Julie Christie is perfect as a woman dealing with the loss of herself, and Gordon Pinsent is a heartbreaking vision of reluctant acceptance as her husband.

If those two don't have Academy Award nominations locked, and until I see this fall's contender's I say wins as well, I will be even more upset than the whole Crash debacle two years ago.

My only complaint here is that "Be Here Now" is not even in the film itself, or during the credits. Instead they use some awful K. D. Lang song where the refrain is her singing "helpless, helpless" over and over. Other than LaMontagne's song being way better, I think the implicit theme of savoring the time left to you ("Be Here Now") is much more in tune with the film than helplessness.

But seriously, everything else is perfect. Find this on DVD, Netflix, anything. You won't regret it.

Weekend Box Office

Just for the record, my friend Dave, who'll be contributing a bit to this blog in the near future, emailed me this at 3:42 pm on Wednesday:

"3:10 to Yuma and Shoot 'Em Up are getting good reviews. I'll go with 3:10 to Yuma to win the Box Office battle this weekend with about $14-16 million."

Well, Box Office Mojo is estimating it at number one with $14.1 Million.

So let that put to rest any doubt about Dave's credibility. Personally, I sort of wondered if Shoot 'Em Up might replicate the success of 300, which made $27 million on a traditionally slow weekend in March with a similar all-violence ethos, but I guess people want there to be a little bit of a plot after all. It was a distant sixth with $5.45 mill.

So, let that raise doubts about my credibity.

Summer Movie Recap, Part II (16-9)

Part I / Part II / Part III

The Jan Brady section of the movies I saw this summer,
following yesterday’s Part I.

The $300 Million Budget Club

16. Spiderman 3 (imdb) (official site)

15. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (imdb) (off.)

A tough call between the two ridiculously inflated giants of May. Ultimately the return of Geoffrey Rush breaks the tie, as well as the borderline Days of Our Lives moments happening near the end of Spidey 3.

Sam Raimi’s reportedly well over-budget and rushed into theaters third installment walked a careful line between self-parody and idiocy for its entire run-time, before the infamous “butler scene” pushed it well over, if goofy dancing Peter Parker hadn’t already done that for you. One crazed fan even attempts to edit out the butler scene on YouTube.

I was braced, once again, for a much worse film when I went to see Spiderman 3, because of the way the trailers implied that they were retconning Spiderman’s origin story (“We’ve found your uncle’s real killer!”), so I was pleasantly surprised that it turned out not as soul-killing as Brett Ratner’s X-Men: The Last Stand Moreau-creature of a film.

Strangely enough, I own the first two Pirates movies, but not the Spidermen (probably because of their ubiquity on TNT and TBS). Thus, Johnny Depp and co. get the coveted “number fifteen on a list no one cares about” spot.

The Captain Malcolm Reynolds Special Award

14. Waitress (imdb) (off.)

Nathan Fillion is one of my favorite actors, for what should be obvious reasons, so in my crazy brain- and probably the brains of more than a few other fans- I had the irrational hope that if I saw this movie, Universal would greenlight a Serenity sequel (plus my girlfriend wanted to see it). No luck so far.

But it was a decent film, and it had a lot of goodwill brewing from the director’s untimely and tragic death. But ultimately it was a little too “Yep, we’s pretty darn Southern ‘round here, ain’t we?!” for me to take it quite seriously.

The “Maybe for $9.99 at Best Buy” Section

13. Ocean’s Thirteen (imdb) (off.)

I own the other two, because I’m a sucker for Soderbergh (that should be a bumper sticker). And a taught, actual-gambling-focused script from the Rounders guys keeps the series fresh.

12. Becoming Jane (imdb) (off.)

Last year, anyone with a frivolous, shopping-oriented girlfriend had the perfect birthday/Christmas present movie starring Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada.

This year, anyone with a sensitive, literate, and thoughtful girlfriend (like me) has an ideal gift movie starring Anne Hathaway in the low-key Becoming Jane. It’s a little sleepy, but so are Jane Austen novels, and James McAvoy (who, if my girlfriend ever meets in person, she will probably accidentally address as “Mr. Tumnus.”) puts in a very solid supporting role.

The Supreme Quotability Honorable Mention

11. Superbad (imdb) (off.)

It’s possible that “McLovin” et al. references are already dated and annoying (much like any quote from Borat about two hours after its release), but the general King Midas touch of Judd Apatow hasn’t failed yet.

In perhaps the last appealing nerd-centric vehicle (before the glut of awful looking, Heroes and Dwight Schrute inspired fall tv shows hit and kill the phenomenon), Michael Cera, Jonah Hill, and the other guy (Christopher Mintz-Pease, but no one will remember that in two weeks. Sorry, walk-on.) bring back the 80’s wild and crazy night genre for one last hurrah.

The Helping Me Be More Pretentious Foreign Film Designation

10. After the Wedding (Efter Brylluppet) (imdb) (off.)

I know, I know, this came out last year, and it’s Danish. But after losing out on the Best Foreign Language Osacr in February, it finally came here to Milwaukee in late May, which makes it a technical addition to the ‘movies I saw this summer’ umbrella.

And also, it’s not to be missed. Le Chiffre from Casino Royale (Mads Mikkelsen) puts in such a nuanced performance here, you wish that they’d written his stiff villain role with far more complexity. But I suppose Bond villains aren’t largely known for emotional depth.

This is a film with a borderline-ludicrous plot that is mystifyingly brought completely back to earth by the performances.

9. Molière (imdb) (off.)

A foreign, fictionalized take on the great satirist’s life that I expected to be passable, but found surprisingly moving. The film’s star, Romain Duris, does fairly well, but a powerful performance by Italian actress Laura Morante(right) puts Molière over the top.

It’s not often that someone can move me through the veil of subtitles, but she was that good.

A more than worthy addition to the fictionalized-author biopic subgenre (i.e. Shakespeare in Love, naturally, and Becoming Jane above).

That’s it for today. Stayed tuned tomorrow for the veritable caviar on a fancy plate of the summer in Part III (8-1).

Summer Movie Recap, Part I (23-17)

Part I / Part II / Part III

I see a lot of movies. From May through August this year, during the record breaking, four billion plus blockbuster season, I saw 23 films in 18 weeks. Without any further nonsense, this is where they rank from best to worst, although with one exception, I didn’t see anything I’d consider a ‘bad’ movie. So really it’s from just okay to best, or from semi-forgettable to brilliant.

The Lohan Memorial Award

23. Sunshine (imdb) (off.)

This is the new name for the worst movie I see each summer. And while I didn’t see either Georgia Rule or I Know Who Killed Me, I feel I suffered an equal, if not worse disappointment when the first two thirds of Danny Boyle’s space odyssey, which were stark and beautiful, essentially devolved into a seventies B-movie.

I have an extended, spoiler-tastic rant about how mad this movie made me here, if you’ve seen it or don’t mind knowing the ending.

The “Meh” Division

22. 1408 (imdb) (off.)

This is one of the only candidates for “sleeper hit of the summer,” as it made a quiet $82 million (bom), while garnering positive reviews for being “fresh” and “original.” Personally, I think it got a little too much credit simply for avoiding crappy genre tropes like small, horrifying Asian children and staying clear of the whole “torture-porn” pandemic.

Stephen King for some reason finds everyday objects very terrifying, and does manage to fill a hotel room with malevolence, but eventually the escalating scares start to lose any sort of consistent logic. I know that might be asking a lot from a horror movie, but unless your film's reality is completely David Lynch-ified, you have to have a satisfying explanation to get to your happy ending.

So 1408 is the first of a few films that were entertaining enough, but left me just sort of shrugging.

21. Day Watch (Dnevnoy Dozor) (imdb) (off.)

If you’ve seen the first film in this Russian-Matrix-on-Ritalin trilogy, Night Watch, then you know that they put “logical consistency” in the trunk of a car, drive that car off a cliff while diving out, and then shoot at it while it’s sinking.

A pretty standard Good Versus Evil, Light Versus Dark, Gumby Versus Blockheads sort of scenario gets bogged down by incredibly fluid rules about superpowers, non-Lost “Others,” vampires, werewolves, etc. And it’s paced too fast to even remember most of the characters names.

That being said, there are some cool visuals, and its interest to me was mainly as a cultural artifact, since it made a record $31 million in Russia (bom).

20. Shrek the Third (imdb) (off.)

I don’t even really have the effort to write about this one. It was okay, we all know what to expect, there will inexplicably be two more of these, Justin Timberlake is wholly unnecessary, blah blah blah.

The “Watch It On TBS If I’m Bored” Finalists

19. Transformers (imdb) (off.)

I was never really into Transformers as a kid (I was a TMNT guy, and I still am), so I wasn’t upset with any changes they may have made. And really, with Michael Bay involved, I was braced for the worst and relieved to find only general mediocrity.

What I later found hilarious was this music video by the Goo Goo Dolls, which paints the Shia LaBeouf/Megan Fox love story as some sort of passionate, timeless epic.

Let me tell you, the thrown in, badly acted, and cheesily written romance angle in Transformers is not even worth the Goo Goo Dolls guy getting worked up over in his generic way. Also Megan Fox was a worse actor than Bumblebee, and he was a CGI-rendered transforming Camaro that had no voice.

18. The Simpsons Movie (imdb) (off.)

The forerunner for this category before I ever saw it, since a major boredom killing activity for much of my life has been watching The Simpsons in syndication.

17. Death at a Funeral (imdb) (off.)

This was a fun movie to watch, but ultimately a little formulaic to ever need to see it again. Mostly I saw it for the immutable talents of both Peter Dinklage, who must be lonely as the only reputable little person actor with dignity, and Alan Tudyk, the first of two Serenity cameos that compelled me to see a movie this summer, as you’ll read tomorrow.

Part II, Numbers 16-9 are tomorrow, and the top eight the day after that. But while we’re here, these are movies I missed that I’ll have to catch on DVD later, otherwise known as Movies Not Appearing On This List: Paprika (so mad about this one), The Golden Door, Live Free or Die Hard (just never made it. One of those things), and Paris, Je T’aime.

And movies my girlfriend wanted to see, but I wasn’t enthusiastic about so we didn’t end up going: My Best Friend and Hairspray.