2007's Bottom Five Film's- Duncan

This list was even harder to fill out than the top 20, because perhaps to justify to myself spending so much money on movies, I rarely walk out of the theater thinking something was just downright bad.

So these are the five most disappointing movies I saw in 2007- that's not to say they didn't have redeeming qualities, or good intentions, but it the end they just couldn't pull it off. I can see why some critics would harsh on Bee Movie or Beowulf, for example, but I can't imagine expecting more than I got in either case. So all five of these are "Bad Movies That Had the Potential to Be Good," to varying degrees.

5. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (my review)

Some movies are twenty minutes too long, some half an hour, and usually it's forgivable in the face of good acting, beautiful cinematography, and a compelling story. But an entire excess hour really saddled down AJJCRF until it just became too much.

I'm eventually buying this and editing my own version on Windows Movie Maker or something- is that possible- and then I'll have a masterpiece.


4. The Golden Compass (my review)

Oh, book to film adaptations. Will you ever work? The previous entry had too much of the book that inspired it, but The Golden Compass had too little of its source material. Plus they got caught in that interminable family film limbo and watered down most of the parts of the book that were actually, you know, interesting.

3. Lust, Caution (my review)

Boring. Unnecessarily sensational. Overly mannered. Too much Mah-Jong. I'm already bored writing about this again.

2. Sunshine (me ranking it dead last on the summer countdown)

So close! Much like I Am Legend, it completely falls apart in a third act finale that's implausible, hackneyed, and gross. I wasn't sure if it made it worse or better (or higher or lower on this list) because the first two acts were so well executed.

The difference of course- I wasn't too surprised when I Am Legend fell apart, because Francis Lawrence is not Danny Boyle.


1. Before the Devil Know's You're Dead (me calling it the most overrated film of the year)

At least Rotten Tomatoes for Sunshine was a tentative 60% among the "top critics" (i. e. the more legimate than this blog could ever be critics), trying to warn me that it falls apart eventually. Those same critics were agog to the tune of 92% for Sidney Lumet's miseryfest of botched robberies and angrily slammed phones.

It just seems ultimately pointless- Really, movie? Robbing your parents jewelry store is a bad idea? I had no idea that betraying your family in a desperate attempt to skip the country before being investigated for tax fraud would go wrong. Thanks for the life lesson.

Also it completely wasted one of the coolest titles of the year, which is the real tragedy. I was stoked when the words "May you be in Heaven half an hour..." appeared on the screen, and then the title came in to complete it, but it was all downhill from there.

Lust, Caution Review

Ang Lee's Lust, Caution, his anticipated follow-up to Brokeback Mountain and winner of the Golden Lion in Venice, is many different things. It's an historical drama set in Japanese occupied Shanghai. It's almost three hours long (which is almost an hour too long). It's a showcase for fine performances by Tony Leung, Joan Chen, and newcomer Wei Tang.

But mostly, it's rated NC-17.

And it's a shame that it's largely defined by that, but in this country at least it's impossible for it not to be. The stigma of the "adult film" is killing it at the box office and it's the first thing mentioned about it, despite Leung and Tang's love-scenes comprising perhaps ten minutes of a hundred and sixty minute feature.

So, before I saw it, I was mostly wondering was it worth it? Are these graphic sex scenes so artistically important that it justifies the prudish MPAA's seal of doom?

The verdict? No, not really. And they certainly don't help the appeal of a film that's already plodding and sleepy.

Tang plays a young actress who embarks on a mission, first with some idealistic schoolmates and the with the official Chinese resistance movement, to assassinate Leung's treasonous government official. He's so traditionally cautious of attack (like the title, get it?) that Tang must enter into an affair with him to get him to let his guard down.

Their acrobatic lovemaking is supposed to represent both characters finding human connection in the only way they can- him after inhumanly torturing resistance members all day, and her after being treated like a pawn by both her friends and her government. But it's mostly just abusive, awkward, and out of place in a movie that is so drearily refined otherwise.

The graphicness of the scenes themselves isn't terrible, but Lust, Caution earns the rating by having them carry on way too long. And whether I agree with the NC-17 label or not (I don't), this is symptomatic of the movie as a whole: it's padded out with an unnecessary framing device, about half an hour of mahjong games, and all builds to a hasty and unsatisfying conclusion.

So in the end, the bally-hooed sex scenes are the only thing worth remarking upon in an overstuffed film. The credits of Lust, Caution informed me that it was based on a short story. I never would've guessed.

When to See It: On DVD

Descisions, descisions

So as you may have noticed, I never made it to see Michael Clayton this whole week- that's how busy it's been.

So after most of September and early October, I find myself with a wonderful conundrum: so many movies to see, so little time (and limited means, for that matter).

Milwaukee's Landmark Theater branches finally got their prints of The Darjeeling Limited and Lust, Caution, so those are high on the list. And then there's the aforementioned Tony Gilroy legal thriller, and the brothers Affleck's effort, Gone Baby Gone.

Four movies, only one me. At least I know what I'm not seeing: Things We Lost in the Fire looks bland, 30 Days of Night involves Josh Hartnett, and Rendition isn't holding up under the critic's scalpel.

Here's the plan, I think- Darjeeling tonight at 9:30, and then possibly the two major releases (Clayton, Baby) on Sunday. Lust, Caution might have to wait until later in the week, as it only plays at 8:00 pm and is two hours and thirty nine minutes long- that's three hours plus with previews.

What will everybody else see this weekend? Who knows? Consensus seems to be that 30 Days of Night will top the charts with $20 million or so, but then nobody saw Why Did I Get Married? coming last week (including yours truly. I thought people liked fat-suits?).

The Fly-Over States

I live in Milwaukee. In high school, I was all "I can't wait till I blow this one horse town!" But now, I'm so fond of it and used to its Portland-like, laid back rhythms that anytime I make the hour drive to Chicago, I freak the hell out: narrow streets, taxicabs that look like police-cars, hot dog vendors! My god, man, no one can live at that speed!

So unless I want to finally make it to see In the Valley of Elah, or force myself to see something I don't give a rat's ass about, I have no movies to see right now. What about Friday, you ask? Well, I haven't seen Elizabeth, so I'm not going to pay money for Elizabeth With a Vengeance*, and I'm not seeing The Seeker, because I'm not a proponent of ruining beloved books. And if you think I'm even considering seeing The Heartbreak Kid, obviously you just found this webpage by Googling that title.

(That reminds me- I liked There's Something About Mary okay and all, but aren't the Farrelys a little bummed that they've had not one other movie worth mentioning in previews since then? That was nine years ago, people. Nine. That's like calling Steven Soderbergh "the director of Out of Sight." Great film, but he's had a little bit of success since.)

So I have to wait until the 12th for anything I'm excited about. But here's my point- Michael Clayton (Clooney! Gilroy! Wilkinson! The androgynous villainy of Tilda Swinton!) is opening in 15 theaters on Friday as well. But how many of those fifteen aren't on one coast or the other? One. Just one AMC, in Chicago. If you don't believe me, look at that lonely red triangle on this imdb map.

What gives? Would it kill people to send one print out to other major cities with an arts scene? And what's with the low theater roll-out anyway? In LA, there are people who this weekend can go see The Darjeeling Limited, Lust, Caution, Michael Clayton, Across the Universe, or The Assassination of Jesse James, but will probably choose to stay home and pick their noses (or see The Heartbreak Kid and pick their noses. Zing!).

I'd love to see any of those films, but I'm stuck waiting another week and a half for most of them, and an additional week for Darjeeling. Such is life in the Midwest, I suppose.


* turns out the new Elizabeth is actually on the 12th as well. The third wide release this Friday? The Jennifer Lopez-produced Feel the Noise. I can't even make fun of this one. The trailer does it all for me.

New York/LA can suck an egg

Ah, well. It doesn't look like I'll have a review for you this weekend, since only our privileged coastal brethren get the opening of The Darjeeling Limited and Lust Caution, respectively. For anyone in town who wants to know, Milwaukee gets Lust on October 12th, and Darjeeling on October 19th. So I'll probably post reviews that are way later than the mass of internet reviews out there much later, but if you read them it'll make me feel a lot better.

Anyway, I couldn't help but glance at the reviews for The Darjeeling Limited to see where the magic number on Rotten Tomatoes would fall this time- the verdict so far: 68%, but the "cream of the crop," which is to say the more respectable, accredited members of the critical population have it at 50%.

Whatever. Wes Anderson makes the same movie every time, and that's fine with me- for reference, see this Onion Article: "New Wes Anderson Film Features Deadpan Delivery, Meticulous Art Direction, Characters With Father Issues."

It's like escargot: some people like it, others don't. If you try it once and don't like it, good for you. If you try it five times and still don't like it, why are you still talking to me? I know it's a critic's job to honestly assess each film, and that a director's previous films should enter the equation somewhat, but honestly: Snakes on a Plane gets a free pass at 69% but The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou is mixed at 52%? I think even Wes Anderson at this point is only aiming for Wes Anderson fans.

That's why I'm here for you- I probably won't pay money to see something I'm not going to like, so I won't waste your time telling you had bad the new Farrelly Brothers movie is. And if you don't want to know how awesome The Darjeeling Limited was (in three weeks), it's not on you to read about it, either.

Trailer Report: In the Valley of Elah, Into the Wild, Lust, Caution, Margot at the Wedding

These are the trailers I saw in front of Eastern Promises. I went to Milwaukee's premiere art-house theater, and one of the ten best in the country, so I got four artsy trailers this time.

In the Valley of Elah

Hey, this looks like the best movie of the year that I couldn't be less motivated to see. The situation in Iraq is depressing enough with seeing films about it all the time. Maybe if I keep hearing good things about Tommy Lee Jones' performance I'll make it this one.

But even though Paul Haggis is pretty humble about the whole Crash debacle in this interview, I'm still nonplussed on him in general. Hey everybody, Paul Haggis wants you to know that not only is racism bad, so is the war in Iraq! Way to go out on a limb there, buddy.

Also, they need to include a bit of dialogue in this trailer that explains the title, because I had too see this about eighteen different times this summer before I remembered what this movie was called.

Into the Wild

Spoiler Alert! If you've read the book, you know that this guy dies. The description on the back of the book says he dies. This Wikipedia entry says he dies. The book starts with his body being found, and works backwards from there. So why does the trailer for the movie not mention that he dies? We're heading for a The Perfect Storm style backlash on this one.

Also, Emile Hirsch looks like he's twelve, even with a beard.

Lust, Caution

Ang Lee? Tony Leung? Sign me up already.

Also, I love the trend of foreign film trailers with no dialogue in them. It's as if they want to trick all the douchebags whose first thought is "Subtitles? Queer!" into going. Because frankly, I don't want those people sitting next to me on October 12th (when this comes to Beer-town).

Margot at the Wedding

I really liked The Squid and the Whale, and I have Kicking and Screaming on my Netflix. So I was planning on seeing this either way, especially given Noah Baumbach's involvement with Wes Anderson.

And the trailer looks pretty good- I wasn't sure if Nicole Kidman's usually cool demeanor and Baumbach's cynicism were a good match, but color me intrigued. Also, it looks like Jack Black can act a little bit. Go figure.